Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
