no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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