you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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