Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
