On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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