When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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