I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
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