we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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