So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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