if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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