i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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