I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
