My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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