omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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