Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
