I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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