My room smells like vodka and shame
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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