I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
