If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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