at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
