There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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