I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
