For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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