I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
