Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
