I'm pants shitting drunk right now
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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