Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
