thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
