Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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