So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
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You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
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Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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