this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
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The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
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I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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