this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
she peed on how many people?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
