Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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