there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Randomize
