it's too hot outside to masturbate.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
