I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
