he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
