last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
