Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
farters have to be the big spoon...
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
