Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
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We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
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I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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