saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
