I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
