her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
