everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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