he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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