You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
When are your genitals available?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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