And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
