I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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