Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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