Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
