drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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