So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
