The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
