If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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