whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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