You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
