i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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