Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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