Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
